


because of course it is

by orphan_account



Category: The Magnus Archives (Podcast)
Genre: Angst, Crying, Cuddling, Drabble, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, a lot.. of crying, jon has self worth issues what else is new, post-159
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-28
Updated: 2019-11-28
Packaged: 2021-02-26 02:35:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 703
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21596218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: It’s only once everything’s settled, in the dead of night as Martin is nestled next to him, snoring softly, that Jon breaks.Prompt: "What about when jon and martin first got to the safehouse post mag159 and got the first calm moment in a long time and suddenly the weight of recent events comes all at once"
Relationships: Martin Blackwood/Jonathan Sims
Comments: 9
Kudos: 361





	because of course it is

It’s only once everything’s settled, in the dead of night as Martin is nestled next to him, snoring softly, that Jon breaks.

He doesn’t know why it happens _then_ and not after leaving the Institute in ruins, or during the long hours spent traveling with Martin in tow and glancing over his shoulder every five seconds, or even the moments directly after leaving the Lonely’s fog with Martin’s hands clutched in his own. Those are the moments _meant_ for breaking. The points where it’s all supposed to become too much, the peak before the crash and slow restabilization of Jonathan’s emotional state, the moment of _release._

He’d wanted to cry then. He really had. But instead, he’s doing it now at three in the morning, in the first moment of real peace they’ve had since leaving. He can’t even do it _loudly_ for fear of waking Martin.

And Martin’s had his breaking point already. Jon suspects the _actual_ point happened long ago, but – regardless. It had been on the train. For an hour it had been calm, and then Martin had looked out the window, where a thick cloud of mist had amassed from the frigid storm the night prior, and burst into tears.

Jon had helped him through it. Of _course_ he had. Seeing Martin in pain hurt him worse than any wound inflicted upon himself, and at this point, it really was all Jon _could_ do. Martin had cried for a long time. But eventually, it settled, and he thanked Jon with this _look_ , like – like Jon was some god among men for taking the time to comfort him after that.

Maybe that’s it, he thinks, the thought drifting indifferent and impartial in sheer contrast to his heaving sobs, his hiccuping gasps for air – maybe it’s just the fact that Martin’s here _._ Not because he dislikes Martin’s company, _god_ , no, it’s just – well, Jon doesn’t deserve all this. _Obviously._ Jon isn’t supposed to be here, Martin curled up against his side like a human teddy bear, sleeping peaceful, idyllic, as if everything’s all right – it’s never all right where Jon’s involved, because _that’s what he is._ He makes things _not_ all right, because of course he does. It’s his nature. So much so that, apparently, being put in a situation that’s even _remotely_ okay is making his entire brain and body reject it.

 _Get a grip_ , Jon scolds himself as he scrubs a (he’s loathe to admit) trembling hand across his face, wiping away the wetness. He probably looks a mess. Well, he _knows_ he’s a mess, he can See it, but –

“Mhh. Jon?”

 _Shit. Look what you did._ “Go back to sleep.”

Eyes still firmly shut, Martin makes a vague, slightly dissatisfied noise, before repeating, “ _Jon_ ,” again, a little more insistent. As if he’s trying to make sense of what he’s asking in real time.

In spite of everything, that does make Jon smile, a little bit. Jon’s a mess, but Martin’s still Martin. “Yes, that’s me.”

”Love you, Jon.” Martin presses closer into the crook of his neck muzzily. If he heard Jon’s crying, or felt it, there’s no indication. He looks completely content affixed to Jon’s side.

A lot of things are very stupid in hindsight, Jon’s lack of _fore_ sight making them all the more so. But perhaps the stupidest thing is the fact that Jon entertained the idea for so long that it wasn’t _true._ He Knew Martin loved him. And, admittedly, had known even before he could just Know. Just refused to accept it, as Jon was wont to do those days. But… it’s a fact. Martin loves him, because _of course he did_ , that’s an objective truth and it doesn’t _matter_ that Jon thinks he’s not good enough for it. Martin has never really done things according to how Jon thinks, anyway. It’s what makes them work well as a team.

Things aren’t okay, but they’re here now, and in a sense, whether or not they’re _okay_ doesn’t matter either. They’re together.

By the time Jon opens his mouth to respond, Martin’s already asleep again.

Regardless, he says it to the dark, eyes open wide:

“I love you too.”

Because of course he does.

**Author's Note:**

> originally posted on @prentissed! these two make me sad, in a good way.


End file.
